branching out

so, this post will be in english since it primarily is intended for a specific person.

working out, or ”training” as the heavy guys put it, comes naturally for a lot of people. this, I believe, can fill many purposes. for me, it never quite was that simple.

when I switched over from the random jog/everyday bicycle ride to muay thai in my early 20s it was partly to deal with what I perceived as psychological stress. I needed to be able to trust my body in a way I did not need previously. this was due to several things, but it became a fixation to me.

when I dumped the thai boxing and dove into wrestling a few years later, it partially was to step up my game of being able to defend myself. the reasons for feeling like this had also turned more serious.

at around this point I got diagnosed with PTSD. I had trouble riding the metro to work. when going outside of the apartment, I was constantly looking over my shoulder. one day I had to get off the metro since I couldn’t breathe. my heart rate was through the roof and I expected to actually faint on the platform.

in hindsight, I know that my issues were both psychological and physiological. also, they are now almost gone.

some people train due to anger or hate. they use these feelings to amp themselves up before grabbing the bar, determined to smash an imaginary or real foe. I used to feel this way. now, I am only appreciative of the fact that I am alive.

over the years, I have made many enemies and forsaken many friendships. partly due to the issues mentioned above and how I chose to deal with those issues at the time. somewhat wiser from the experience, I try to cherish the beautiful things that I have and the great opportunities I am given every day.

training is, for me, a manifestation of love. if I lift heavy things, I can find the peace to be more like the person I want to be and not the asshole I become all too often.

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